December Thoughts

Unexpected changes mean new opportunities... right??

Dec 08, 2024

Hello hello! It’s been a while since my last essay. This one is a collection of small thoughts that could have been their own essays, however, I think a few bite-sized curiosities are what I’m in the mood for these days. Some updates, some observations, some stories. If you enjoy this, please forward it to a friend!

I am not a cat person. I ended up with one after an accident of curiosity, and now Loaf my tuxedo cat is one of the great joys of my life. Sometimes he is The Great Destroyer and sometimes he sits on my stomach when I’m on my back reading on the couch. He walks onto me, licks himself, circles, and sleeps. I love when he does this because it’s a little pocket of warmth that has its own little life and it’s clear he’s just happy to be here. What a gift – to have someone who’s just happy to be here. If only that happy little creature didn’t put his paw on my nose at 5 AM every day.

Loaf was watching me write this newsletter.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the general vitriol thrown at unmarried cat ladies from certain places, and I still don’t fully understand it. There seems to be an understanding in certain cultures that we prefer this solo life to any alternative. News flash: I would like to be married, very much! I think of all the wonderful, loving, open-hearted women in my life who are in their thirties and forties and would like to be married, very much, as well. It’s certainly not for lack of trying. It turns out Dave wasn’t meant for me, but we’re friends and get together twice a year anyway. Chris wasn’t meant for me either, but we’re still close (and he’s spent two Christmas Days with my family). Scott wasn’t meant for me, but it was certainly a wonderful six months of music and hiking. Soheil wasn’t meant for me, but I ended up in a band with him that scratches an itch I’ve had since I was fourteen. Nersay wasn’t meant for me, but we still go to concerts together.

The assumption that single women aren’t trying, or dislike the company of men, or aren’t interested in long-term partnership is preposterous to me.

One of my single friends works at an academic institute for Church renewal. One of my single friends runs liturgical music at a big Jesuit university. One of my single friends works at a Cristo Rey-style middle school. One of my single friends started a ministry for other women who also feel called to marriage but haven’t found themselves in one.

This week I wondered if we’re the priests our parents prayed for. Growing up, every Sunday we prayed for vocations to the priesthood. What if these women, single, serving the Church with their full hearts and attention, are the answer to this prayer? Serving their communities with the gift of presence akin to those who, in previous generations, have been ordained? What if, instead of calling men to the priesthood, Christ said, I give you magnificent, devoted, educated, single laywomen? I thought about this a lot this week.

One month ago, I was let go from my day job. I was in the middle of applying for permanent residency, so this threw a whopper of a wrench into my plans (as I’m not eligible for it if I’m unemployed). I wasn’t particularly happy at this job, but I did love my colleagues. The way it ended was incredibly disappointing. My dad couldn’t offer any advice about German employment law but he was amazing at walking me through the stages of grief. I wish I’d had more time to anticipate my current situation. One day I’m at work, the next day I’m… not.

As such, I’m currently focusing on touring my musical comedy act as much as I can before my severance runs out. I’ve booked shows in Barcelona, Cologne, Bonn, and Dusseldorf in January. More cities will be added. Do you live in Europe? Do you have a couch I can crash on? Do you… want a musical comedy cabaret to come through your town? Now is the time! Please reach out.

I’ve got hours upon hours of footage from shows that I need to edit and upload online. I will probably join TikTok on an old phone soon, so I can upload content without giving the app access to any of my personal data. Unfortunately, this is part of the game. Fortunately, I have the content to play it.

I’ve done two solo shows in Berlin, one each of my Fringe shows, and both were standing room only. For some reason, in my head, the only people who come to these shows are my friends who come to make me feel like I’m not a failure. (I know this is not true!! I know!) I need to get over the fear that no one will come without the pressure of being my friend. Or that I need people to come to feel successful. If two people come, I can still make them laugh.

A few weeks ago (before being jobless), I began The Artist’s Way. It’s quite a famous self-directed artistic workbook in my circles, but I’ve been surprised at how US-centric it seems to be. Most of my Berlin friends have never heard of it. I’m very slow-going at it (read: I put off the exercises), but I’ve been good at Morning Pages and a weekly Artist Date. It’s a twelve week program to unlock one’s creativity.

One of the exercises was to write down all the objections that I have hidden in my head and heart about my artistic work. I thought I was pretty confident and there wouldn’t be much. I ended up writing three full pages of doubts.

Most of them stem from being 35 and still in student loan debt, and the fear that I will be a perpetual financial burden to my family and friends for the rest of my life. Even with a Big Job, I wasn’t able to fix this, and wow, what a failure I am! Even with massive help (!) from my family and doing my damndest to throw money at debt, I feel as though I will never be in the position in which I “deserve” to live a life pursuing art. I mean, I still pursue it. But apparently, in my deepest doubts, I don’t think I really deserve to. The workbook made me say this out loud.

I read this list of doubts to my dad in a video call, and he said, tears in his eyes, “Well, you know this isn’t true, because we are so proud of you and the life you’ve made for yourself.”

And that was that.

I’ve jumped back into the greatest Christmas album ever recorded: Christmas Joy in Latvia. My dad found it years ago, and it’s the perfect mix of uncommon carols and community choir vibes. I listen to it once a day starting in mid-November. It’s cozy. It’s tuneful. I have no idea what they’re saying. Go on a walk in the winter twilight and listen to this little ditty. Are you not enchanted??

Speaking of… Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour ends tonight. The last show (#149) is in Vancouver. In case you aren’t aware, there is a community of Swifties who watch every single show online, streamed on Instagram and YouTube. There are probably between 50-80k people who tune in to watch a grainy livestream for three and a half hours every night. Most stream coordinators have applications where attendees offer to livestream the show, and then viewers can PayPal/Venmo the person who’s at the tour holding up their phone in appreciation. This has been going on for well over a year, and many of the streaming hosts have been invited by Taylor’s team to different shows as a subtle nod of approval.

The Eras Tour has become, essentially, a sporting event that allows fans to keep up with the team across continents. There’s an app - SwiftAlert - that pings you when the surprise songs, which change every night, are about to be played, so you can tune in and see them live. People play Swiftball, which is a bingo game using her costume variations. This was great fun for me when she was in Australia and I could watch the stream in the morning at work, my phone propped up alongside my laptop.

There are countless accounts devoted to sharing “stats” from each night – how many people attended, what the surprise songs were, any variations in what Taylor said to the crowd, what Kam’s localized bit in the middle of “We Are Never Ever Ever Getting Back Together” was (my personal favorite being “Ew, David” when they were in Toronto, where Schitt’s Creek was filmed).

The end of the Eras Tour is… sad. I had the immense luck to go three times, twice in Paris and once in Hamburg. It was the greatest show I’ve ever been to, not so much because of the woman on the stage but because of the people around me, singing and dancing and trading bracelets and stories. I’m working on a separate post to sum up the experience properly. I will be up at 4 AM tomorrow morning to watch the final show. What a time to be alive!

In more somber news, Germany’s swing to far-right fanaticism hit home, personally, last night. You may have heard of the AFD, the extremist party in Germany. Last night a friend of my band-mate was at a concert here in Berlin. He’s from the Middle East and was physically assaulted by two men who yelled at him (in German), “Soon the AFD will come and we will destroy foreigners.” They kicked him in the face, in front of security, who watched.

Physical assault on immigrants with utter impunity, a few miles from my apartment. The assault itself is scary. The tacet approval from bystanders is what makes it terrifying.

“But how can that happen?” Friends, it is happening.

In light of my new (un)employment journey, I’ve updated my website. The homepage is now a “wider” biography, including my time teaching and living in LA. I’m not sure if I like it. I’m very open to feedback.

https://www.stephaniedeprez.com/

In a similar vein, I’m open to writing work as well! If you know a business that needs support with newsletters, blogs, emails, or copywriting, I’m (very) available. My recent experience is in content writing for B2B SaaS, but I’m much more interested (and motivated) to work in non-profit, education, or Catholic lifestyle writing. Portfolio upon request.

https://www.deprezcreative.com/

(You can also find me on LinkedIn.)

I’m toying with three major writing projects, since I have time off to plan for these things.

I have 33,000 words written so far on the experience of caring for and losing my mom. This essay-based memoire will hopefully find a home with a Catholic printing press one day.
There is a fantasy novel in my head that’s been rolling around for a few years and it’s beginning to coagulate. This is what I think about in the shower and before I go to bed. It’s not coming out of my head anytime soon, but it’s fun.
I’ve got an outline for a self-help style book (think Glennon Doyle) about how to weave multiple mediums together in a world that insists on specializing. Something along the lines of “The Resilience of Multidisciplinary Creativity.” Put another way, I share how my experiences in classical voice make me a better comedian, and how learning the rules of popular music for my metal band makes me a better content writer. This project probably has the strongest legs right now.

What do you think? Does something resonate with you?

That’s all I’ve got! I’m headed home to Denver in about a week to squish my nephew and walk around King Soopers with my dad. (Is there anything as comforting as walking around one’s familial grocery store in an old sweatshirt?) The band I’m in, Avistortion, just sent our latest single out to be mixed, so it’ll hit Spotify in about a month. I have a 15 minute comedy set at a brewery in Highlands Ranch on December 28th. And I am ever grateful that anyone takes the time to read what I write here.

Was this email forwarded to you from a friend? Hi, I’m Steph DePrez! I’m an American living in Berlin, singing opera, doing stand-up comedy, and trying to live a life of goodness, beauty, and truth. I taught theology for five years at two Jesuit high schools, an experience that continues to shape my understanding of vocation. In June 2020, my mom passed away from cancer, while our family was all together under one roof due to the pandemic. Much of my artistic work is shaped by this experience of grief, love, and the hope of salvation.

My newsletter, Big Breath, is free. I’m so glad you’re here!