Dear Mommy,
Happy Birthday!! I’m sorry I’m not in Denver this year to celebrate with you, but as you know I was home for Danny’s wedding and I’ll be back for Christmas. I think Danny, Kaity and Daddy will stop by and bring you a brownie. Do the birds eat the brownies we leave on your headstone? Do they stay there like little frozen decorative squares until the snow melts? I’ve never thought about where they go. I’m sure Starbucks appreciates your continued patronage from the grave.
It’s getting cold in Berlin. We had our first real snowfall this weekend. It felt like Denver – big fluffy flakes! The children in the puffy onesies were all out making snowmen and throwing snowballs at each other. I’m really liking Berlin. I have friends here and a community and plenty of people to call in a pinch. I know you always wanted me to “come home” when I was “done” in Europe, but I’m not sure when I will be. If I went back to the US, where would I go? LA is my favorite place in the world. Most of my friends live in Chicago. Most of the work is in New York. Both Jane and Cece are in San Diego. (The Van B’s moved to San Diego!!!) Who knows? For now, it’s Berlin.
Danny and Kaity’s wedding was wonderful. I know you were watching. I wondered if you had anything to do with the wind just exploding when Kaity walked down the aisle, like, “THIS ONE! THIS IS THE ONE!” Danny was so ready. I bet you were beaming. I was sobbing for basically the entire service but then the DJ took forever looking for wifi to start the backing track for my song and I was so mad at him that I stopped crying and was able to sing just fine.
Kaity is magnificent. Her family gallantly survived all 18 verses of the song Daddy and I sang about Danny at the rehearsal dinner. (We made everyone sing the refrain between each verse. I think that’s where we may have overextended the goodwill of the crowd.) It was possibly a smidge too long, in retrospect. But Danny’s got a lot of life to cover!
Everyone was there – the Myers and the DePrezs and the Kents and the Bradys and of course the Haynors and Van Bs. You would have absolutely adored it. I don’t think I’ve ever had such a buffet of wonderful people to talk to. I must get married, I suppose, because we’ve gotta do this again.
It was hard not having you there for all the girl stuff. Ruth Ann, Kaity’s mom, is so kind and was so together on the day. She made everyone feel special. All of us getting ready in the hotel, and then putting on our boots in the bridal room at the ranch — this is the type of team fun you lived for! It was just as exciting as you can imagine. Mommy, we did everything right.
Kaity is Danny’s perfect match. She makes him so tender and so strong. I’ve never seen him so happy. And Mommy, she danced all night! The whole reception! She and Danny were on the dance floor for three hours, from the minute that Spice Girls dropped.
I miss you so much that I fall into this habit I’ve developed of just pretending that you’re in the US and nothing’s changed. The problem is when I want to call you. That’s when my body does the “mini shutdown,” and my stomach drops and my chest fills with anger and I get a hot flash and steel myself for tears.
We’re two and a half years out from it but I still wake up sometimes and it feels like you died yesterday. I go from anger to just general apathy about this life.
But here’s the thing: in the wake of losing your physical presence, I’ve become crystal clear on what deserves value. I believe in the Communion of Saints, full stop. Which means this life is a journey to discover the richness and beauty of relationships and the golden threads of what it means to be human – the same shit that Jesus did when he was kicking around occupied Judea. When we revel in the beauty of human creativity and love, when we see people making art and thus participating in creation with the Creator, when we feel welcomed and loved and truly seen as our full selves, these are moments of heaven. This is how we condition ourselves for Salvation. This is how we act as Christ’s hands in the world.
So this is what I focus on. You are dead, and in that stark reality, I refuse to waste more time on this earth than is minimally required to garner the necessary funds and assets for survival. I get so frustrated that this age requires such an absolute misdirection of gifts. But then I get so overwhelmed by the blessing of my life, which seems to offer endless moments of community and creation. Singers and comedians and painters and parents — all of these magnificent creators, all curiously finding joy and discovering new aspects of their own talents. They offer me a foretaste of heaven, and thus, a moment when I am anticipating the Communion of Saints, and thus, a moment of being with you. When I’m on stage, when I’m in the theater, when I’m at a gallery, when I’m on a run, when I’m drinking a beer, when I’m reading a novel, when I’m listening to a child, I am closer to heaven, and closer to you.
That’s what keeps me going.
Guess what. You’re in a book! This is the real birthday present, I suppose. Lenny wrote a book about our beloved dead and he tells a bit of my story, and as such, a bit of yours. It’s very overwhelming to see your name in print. I suppose this leads back to one of our driving mantras: God wastes nothing. You died. Boo. Well, here’s your story in a book about how we can live better.
I’ll take it.
I’m halfway through it. There’s one line that stopped me in my tracks: “The descendants of Mary Magdala are those of us who, like Stephanie DePrez, hold the bodies of those we love and know they are not there, who reach for the presence of someone painfully absent but cannot find them.”
That’s not bad company. Daddy’s already sent the book to three people.
Happy Birthday, Mommy! I miss you to pieces. We’ll all be making The Dressing on Thursday and thinking of you.
Love,
Stephanie
(with a flower pot and a wagon)
Well done, my dear. Was right there with you. This is how I carry my sister, Sarah. Much love to you, Lucy